Stuck

Tonight, I smoked a cigarette, needless to say, it was one of the best cigarettes I've ever had. I can't say that I am a regular smoker, but I sometimes indulge in one or two, mostly too see what the fuss is about these cancer sticks. I don't know how and why people start, perhaps out of curiosity, but it is very enticing to smoke one. I've smoked a bunch before but none was like the one i had tonight.

I stumbled out of my deceased grandfather's room looking for the one cigarette I had hidden in my purse, while shuffling in my flower bag for a lighter I had recently stolen from the kitchen and headed upstairs to my slowly renovating attic. There's nothing in my room except a newly waxed floor and a bed, a stereo, and a rotating fan. Perfect. I opened the window, lit my cigarette with some bossa nova playing in the background as I slowly enjoyed time passing.

I haven't been sleeping lately and I have no idea why. Usually, I am asleep by 11 but for some reason, this summer has hit me with long and slow nights. I try to pass time by going on the internet, watching youtube videos of Anthony Bourdain and his travels, eating and enjoying life. I'm envious watching him eat, drink, and meet people with such ease. Why can't I do the same?

Lately, I've been feeling a bit stuck. Stuck in what, I don't know but it seems that everything I dream of is becoming more and more out of reach. It seems that I can never make a decision to go for it or not and therefore, I find myself stuck, sitting in this bed, thinking and thinking about what to do to make my life more memorable.

So, I don't think there's any solution to this but the cigarette that I just had definitely just stopped time in my tracks, for once, in a good way.